The official life guidebook (Random book-post no.1)

One of my life ambitions is to write a book. As I sit here typing I don’t know what this book will be about but all I know is that I want to one day call myself a published author. So today I was having one of those days when I wished that life came with a manual which had a blow by blow account of how to handle everything that comes your way. And then that thought evolved into me thinking about what I would write in such a book. So I did what I always do when I get such random ideas in my head: I hurried to my laptop and started to type!

   So this is an excerpt of my version of a life guidebook. It even comes with a disclaimer and everything so, happy reading! :D The full version of the book will be out in stores soon. He he! (If I ever get to seriously publish such a book, I will have all my friends over at my place and we’ll have a good laugh about it)

Disclaimer: The contents of the following pages are purposed solely for the enjoyment and hysterical laughter of the author. We shall not be liable for any unfortunate events resulting from the application of the contents of this book. But hey, if you happen to experience any positive effects after reading this book, feel free to endorse it on YouTube, facebook, twitter; heck! You can even go on Oprah or Tyra! J

Chapter 1: Parents

   This particular species of Homo sapiens you will meet immediately after birth. They shall be obligated to feed you, bathe you and change you as often as required provided you are between the ages of 0-5. They shall also attend to your every wish and whim so be sure to take advantage of these golden years. However be warned once you pass the 5^th year of your birth. You shall then be subject to chores, punishment and most unfortunately the word commonly known as ‘No’. Yes your enchanting cuteness will have worn off somewhat and you will no longer have them wrapped around your little finger. As you progress in years, you will begin to have things called ‘disagreements’ with them. The peak of these disagreements shall be your teenage years where they will not understand you at all and will think anything you want to do is a bad idea. But do not lose hope! Once you reach you 20’s you will realize that there was some degree of wisdom in their choices, although you will grudgingly if ever admit this.

Chapter 2: Siblings

   An admittedly undecided species. They have the ability to be either your worst nightmare or a dream come true depending on their current mood. They will bully you into giving them your stuff and be an incessant irritant at times but they will also be one of the few people who’d take a bullet for you. They will also be your personal revenge-seekers so woe unto anyone who causes you harm.

Chapter 3: School

   At roughly the age of 4/5 you will be plucked from your childhood home and placed in a ‘school’, which is a socially established institution of learning. The first school you will attend will be known as ‘Nursery’ or ‘Kindergarten’ (depending on what side of Thika road you grew up) and on the first day of this so called school you will cry, wail, tantrum and do all manner of things to prevent your parents from leaving you in that strange building full of strange screaming (though sometimes laughing) children. Yes you will be miserable, but fear not for all is not lost. It is in this school that you will be supplied with pencil, paper and various coloured pencils and you will be allowed to let your inner Leonardo da Vinci run free. You will also form bonds called ‘friendships’ with the other children and they will become your playmates. As you progress you will learn new and exciting things, yes sometimes the lessons will bore you half to death but every cloud has a silver lining, right?

3.1 – Teachers

   The adults in charge of you will be known as ‘Teachers’ and they will attempt to impart knowledge on your hyperactive mind. At the kindergarten stage they will be very nice and almost parent-like. But as you climb the educational ladder beware of their ability to punish you or sometimes fail you if they have particularly high standards in regards to school-work. Some of them will be ridiculously strict and unforgiving so the best way to survive would be to do your work, answer questions and most importantly: Don’t talk while they’re talking! Shhh!!

Chapter 4: Friends

   These will be the people you trust most after your siblings. In some cases, you will even trust them more than you do your siblings. Faithful ones can be difficult to find but once found they should never be let go. The closest friends you have will be quite interesting.  They will laugh at you when you fall down, cry when you cry, tell you that you are fat, share your most embarrassing moments with the whole world and best of all, they will accept you as you are. Regardless of all the stupid acts and strange habits that may include.

Chapter 5: Love

   This is an especially crucial chapter considering that this thing called love has spanned generations; caused wars; led to life and death; been the subject of countless books, movies and songs; and worst of all – Made normal sane people behave like absolute idiots. So read, re-read and take notes.

   This thing called love will be present your entire life. During your childhood it will be very mild and be directed towards your family and friends. However it’s real potential will begin to be fulfilled in your teenage years when you will suddenly begin to realize that members of the opposite gender are pleasing to the eye. When this happens you will lose the ability to eat, sleep or even think coherent thoughts. When in the presence of the object of your fancy you will suddenly lose the ability to speak and it is in these moments that the most embarrassing things will ‘conveniently’ choose to happen to you.

   Love will make you happy, love will make you cry. Love will last a lifetime; it will also be gone after the last goodbye. Love is special, love is irreplaceable. And most of all, love is worth it.

So, there you have it folks. This is currently my most-random blog-post of 2013 induced by exam-stress and a terrible habit of having conversations with myself while performing mundane tasks. Happy Friday, Happy weekend and...

Ciao...