Is this what a quarter-life crisis feels like?
I haven’t written anything in months. Forget half baked-drafts shoved into my laptop’s archives to maybe someday see the light of day. Forget sentences started and typed mid-way only to be hastily erased. I haven’t written anything in months, except that one book review last month when I was essentially performing CPR on my creative side. I haven’t written anything in months and I’m still trying to figure-out why.
Part of it is probably the fact that this internship is very involving. Fine, that’s more than an understatement. If I’m not working, then I’m sleeping. Or reading. Or watching a quarter of a movie that will take me 4 days to finish. Or responding to texts hours or days too late. (I’m going to take a moment now to apologise to everyone I ever gave grief about being a bad texter when I was in med school because I was running on student-time and you were trying to adult! I have become a bad-texter).
I’m heading towards the end of what’s supposed to be the most punishing time in my medical career so at least there’s light at the end of the tunnel. And with each step I take the light gets brighter and brighter; blinding with possibilities. Getting a job post-internship…applying for residency…so much darn COMMITMENT! I miss the days when my future was a 12-step programme that I didn’t even have to think about. Because these are all such big things with a degree of indelibleness if not permanence to them! And I haven’t even touched on the social aspects of my life. Friends and family going through life and my role in that. Adulting is hard!!! Don’t do it kids!
Turns out that adulting requires a lot more energy than previously advertised. Some days I walk on egg-shells because I realise that I’m actually shaping the direction my life should take and I’m terrified that I’m messing it up. Some days I want to go back to a time when I didn’t have to think about what’s next…or saving and financial planning…or taxes!
But I have good days too. Days when I eat a healthy meal, and go for a run, and check on people and respond to texts on time. Days when I read a little more of that book I posted on Instagram, days when I bake and forget to document the process. It’s growing pains and change and learning how to do things you’ve never done before. It’s falling down and getting back up. It’s bursting into tears for no reason at all. It’s sitting in bed cocooned like a marshmallow and eating two entire bars of chocolate. It's praying and relying on someone other than yourself.
And maybe that’s ok.